You've Been a Very Bad(en) Girl
by xXxM4N54 MU54xXx
Summary: In which our favorite Karling manages his vassal's opinion of him. How the heck do your format these stories?


Karl is watching me from across the courtyard with that intense gaze of his. I blush and look away, and he smirks at me knowingly. Out of the corner of my eye, I see him whisper into his wife's ear and she comes bounding over and pulls me away from the party, to an isolated balcony. I know what she's doing…but I don't stop her.

She's making innuendo about the emperor's long reign and I'm just letting her chatter wash over me while I struggle with myself. Is this…well, right? I mean, I'm not offering him mead in my room, I'm just…being friendly. He's not even here. I'm just being social. I'm helping unite the realm! That's what parties are for.

But…I also know why he's doing this. And I haven't tried to stop it. What does that say about me? I…I shouldn't. I can't. I go to tell the empress that I really must be going, but she's gone. I didn't even notice her leave. And then I see the silhouette of Karl approaching slowly.

I can't help but notice his firm southern border. He's certainly dressed to accentuate - Oh God, he saw me looking.

"E-e-emperor! I-I was just, uh, er…"

Suddenly he's right in front of me, all four kingdoms of him, towering over me. I must look like an OPM to him. He smells so good. Like…like 100% Moral Authority. Like Content vassals. I want to…No, I can't even think it. I -

"Yes? You were just…?"

"Erm! Admiring - er, examining the Umayyad advance. I mean, uhm."

The smirk grows. My face is more red than Brittania trying to reform Rome.

"Yes, the, ah…Umayyad advance. Of course. Perhaps you'd like to study it in more…intimate detail, milady?"

"Ah-haha! Oh my! Uhm. Ha!"

"Milady, let me recite poetry to you…"

Oh, why did I ever take the theological focus? I know I shouldn't think like this, I shouldn't be imagining what I am, but my 13 in Learning…It's…no, I really shouldn't.

"Milady, you are somewhere else. What troubles you?" He brushes a hair out of my face. His hands are softer than I thought they might be. And gentle, for one so martial.

"I…well…your wife…she…you…the party…uhm"

I'm so confused now, his personal diplomacy is just crazy and he's strong and brave and - but I'm chaste and craven and this is all just so confusing and -

"What is it, Chancellor?"

What? How did he know I wanted -

"Sorry, did I say Chancellor? I meant to say Chancellor…

…and Designated Regent."

"TAKE MY FEALTY I SWEAR FEALTY"

We sneak off into the night.

"My, what a big, strong claim you have there, my liege. Mind if I push it for you?"

"I need you. Please, give it to me."

"I want you to say my title."

"Please just - "

"Say it."

"Emperor…Emperor Karl…"

"Louder."

"Ch-ch-CHARLEMAGNE! Please please please just take my fealty already"

"Louder!"

"CHARLEMAGNE REX! M-MONTJOIE SAINT DENIS!"

"Take it you saucy wench take my vassalization"

"Oh god yes yes"

"Mmmm yeah that's it I want you to be my High Almoner"

"Ohh yeahh I'm losing Chaste"

"give me those strong genes ohhhh fuck triple-chin"

"Mmmmmm +10% to discover plots oh god"

"Oh, yes, yes, take my couched lance charge gggGGGGHHHHHNNnnnhhrrRRAAAHHH"

"Yes revoke everything you proud strong tyrant aaaaaaaAAAAAAAAHHHHHhhhhhhAhhhh"

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 **Fin**

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 **NEXT TIME ON THE KARLINGS**

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"Ohhh that was good…"

"Oh Emperor, I was wondering…you are such a big strong blob you completely overpowered me. But I wonder…what if I called my ally to arms? I don't think it would be over so quickly…"

"Nonsense. I am Charlemagne. Call your ally to arms."

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"I heard you slept with a certain someone in court, Chancellor. Is that how you got your position?"

"What? Huscarl? Never heard of him. Nope."

"I…didn't say Karl…"

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"But Karl! You can't go to war!"

"I can and I will. The Saracens will not abide, and neither can I. Deus Vult."

"But I'm…Karl…I'm pregnant."

"Francia, my dear, I don't give a damn."

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"A hashashin! But who..who would gain from this…Karloman! I…I thought you were dead…"

"Umayyad, bro?"


End file.
